Legally Black
by hillstar
Summary: When the sorority sister Narcissa Black follows her ex-boyfriend, Lucius Malofy, to law school, she discovers her inner legal savvy and true love at the same time. Legally Blonde parody. Written for The Rom-Com Competition at HPFC.
_**Prompt: Legally Blonde**_ **. When a blonde sorority queen is dumped by her boyfriend, she decides to follow him to law school to get him back and, once there, learns she has more legal savvy than she ever imagined.**

* * *

 _Legally Black_

Narcissa Black, the president of the Beta Lambda Alpha Kais, spent all day picking out a new green dress, sparkling green bracelet, and matching green pumps for her date with her boyfriend, Lucius Malfoy. After she finished her makeup and hair, Narcissa kissed the smirking portrait of Lucius that she kept by the side of her bed.

She was sure this was the evening her boyfriend, the heir to the Malfoy fortune, would finally propose, and she couldn't wait to become the future Mrs. Malfoy.

As they sat down at the table for their date, Lucius Malfoy clasped her hands and looked deeply into her widened eyes.

"There's a reason I wanted to meet you here tonight," said Lucius. "There's something very important I've been meaning to tell you, Cissy, something that I've thought about for a long time. You know how I'm planning on attending Swineford after we graduate?"

Swineford was the fancy graduate school for warlocks and witches who wanted to serve on the Wizengamot. Lucius had been talking about his aspiration to go to Swineford and become a high-powered attorney all year.

"Well, I think that means we'll have to make a change to our current relationship status," said Lucius.

"Yes! Yes, Lucius! I would most definitely marry you!" said Narcissa bopping up and down in her seat with excitement.

"Um, actually, Cissy…about that. I was thinking that we should break up."

 _"Break up?_ " exclaimed Narcissa loud enough for the other diners to turn their heads.

"As you know, I'm about to begin studying at Swineford," said Lucius. "I need to begin to think seriously about my future. Your sorority once had a high status, but it has been tainted by scandal. And with your blonde hair, I can't know for sure that you have the same origins as the rest of your family line."

"You're dumping me…because I'm too _blonde?!"_ said Narcissa "You're blonde too, Lucius!"

"Yes, but in my case it doesn't make me seem like some kind of illegitimate lovechild. I just _can't_ have people gossiping about my wife's origins. It simply wouldn't be right for my future political career."

"This decision isn't just because of your hair color, Narcissa," said Lucius firmly, "I need to be with a true Slytherin, a woman who is crafty, cunning, and ambitious. A woman who is truly Malfoy material."

Patting her on the hand, he graced her with one of his condescending smirks. "Sorry, Cissy, but it's over."

Utterly humiliated and heartbroken, Narcissa left the restaurant in tears.

She spent three days in bed, reading old issues of Witch Weekly and devouring chocolate frogs. All day long, she mentally replayed the embarrassing breakup until she finally realized what she needed to do to prove she was cunning and ambitious and to win her boyfriend back.

She would apply to Swineford and study to become a member of the Wizengamot herself!

After all, how hard could that possibly be?

* * *

The admission council for Swineford sat around a long table, reviewing the applications. One application came in the form of a moving picture.

 _"Hi, my name is Narcissa Black,"_ said a gorgeous witch wearing only an emerald tank-top and matching frilly emerald knickers. " _And there are plenty of reasons why I would make a great member of the Wizengamot!"_

 _"I always take a stand against improper use of magic!"_

The moving picture showed a wizard making a lewd gesture with his wand and winking at Narcissa.

"Hey, that is _improper_!" exclaimed Narcissa.

 _"I stay up to date on all the latest current affairs"_

Narcissa sat at the foot her bed, reading a magazine with her sorority sister.

"Bella, did you know that according to the latest issue of Witch Weekly, the Minister of Magic is having an affair with Celestina Warbeck? And meanwhile, olive green is the 'it' color for spring!"

"Wow, Cissy, I did not know that," replied her sorority sister.

 _"I use legal language in everyday life."_

The recording then showed two handsome young wizards fighting over Narcissa in a duel.

"Whoa boys," said Narcissa, "Don't you know that dueling is forbidden according to the International Ban on Dueling?"

"But Cissy, you're so entrancing we just can't help ourselves," said one of the boys, "You must be on the Registry of Proscribed Charmable Objects."

"Are you sure you're not also in the Werewolf Registry, Cissy, because you're like, super Alpha," said another sorority sister. "I mean, you _are_ the president of The Fashion Club, the chair of The Spring Break Committee, _and_ the co-chair of The Hogsmeade Party Planning Board!"

"Yeah, well, I'm also a Beta…" said Narcissa, posing as she gestured to the Greek letters emblazoned on the bust of her tank top. "Beta Lambda Alpha Kai!"

The rest of the recording showed her studying and scoring a perfect score on her NEWTS as the rest of the sorority cheered her on.

"… _And that's why you should vote for me, Narcissa Black,"_ finished the narration confidently.

Stunned silence fell over the admissions council as the moving picture went still.

"That was certainly…interesting," said Griselda Marchbanks.

"Well, I think we should give her a chance," said Cornelius Fudge.

* * *

On the first day of class, all the other students were dressed in drab black robes. Meanwhile, Narcissa arrived on a jewel-encrusted broomstick, wearing a turquoise-green serpent-skin coat, and carrying her pet pygmy puff in a silvery basket.

The Swineford first-years sat around in a circle and introduced themselves. They talked about the different internships and leadership positions they had held at school and within the Ministry of Magic.

"I spent all fall drafting Muggle Liaison legislation with the Senior Undersecretary," said a young man with slicked-back hair.

"I worked on the Pest Advisory Board and interned with Dolores Umbridge as my mentor," said a young woman holding a briefcase.

When it was her turn to introduce herself, Narcissa smiled and waved.

"Hi everyone! My name is Narcissa but you can call me Cissy! Last summer, I was at Hogsmeade and I saw this Pygmy Puff and I just _had_ to get her. Her name is Geminus. She's a Slytherin, just like me. You can tell because she came with this cute green headband." Narcissa lifted up her pet and showed off her pygmy puff's accessories.

The students looked at Narcissa as if she was a headless ghost. The austere-looking young woman rolled her eyes.

Narcissa's first Swineford class was not any more welcoming. As she sat down, the professor began lecturing on a book that had been assigned over the summer, randomly calling on students and asking them questions.

"You!" said the professor, pointing at Narcissa.

"Me?" she asked, confusedly.

"In a case of non-human use of a wand, which would you prefer to represent, a troll or a werewolf?"

Narcissa thought about this for a moment. "Well, I would want to represent a werewolf because I would prefer to represent someone who was innocent."

She heard snickers from another black-robed student.

"Yes?" The professor called on the young man behind her.

"It's Severus Snape. Although Ms. Black seems to have forgotten, I believe the rest of us must be aware that werewolves fall under the category of 'non-human' according to Clause Three of the Code of Wand Use passed by the Wizard's Council in 1931."

Narcissa raised her hand high in air and wiggled it around until the professor called on her again.

"Well, professor, what I mean is, since they're only non-human part of the time, wouldn't it be better if they could only have wands part of the time too? Like, whenever it's not the full moon?"

The professor turned his back to her and continued to write on the blackboard.

"That is beside the point, Miss Black," said the professor, "According to all legal precedent, werewolves are inhuman monsters that cannot be trusted to control a complex and dangerous instrument like a wand."

Narcissa raised her hand again and interrupted. "Yeah, but _were_ -wolf is Latin for _man_ -wolf. So, if they were really non-humans, wouldn't they just be called _wolf_ -wolves?"

She turned around to face Severus and gave him a withering look, as if to silently say, " _Yeah that's right, I know Latin."_

"Miss Black, I hope you don't plan on hinging all your cases on frivolous semantics," said the Professor dryly.

Narcissa blushed. She wasn't exactly sure what the professor meant but she was pretty sure he was calling her stupid.

* * *

Narcissa quickly perked up when she received an invitation to a party later that night. The girl she had met during their introductions had told Narcissa that there was going to be a costume party and everyone was expected to dress up.

If there was one thing Narcissa Black loved, it was a costume party. She had organized several costume parties for her sorority and already had the perfect outfit picked out.

She arrived at the party dressed up in a skintight cheetah-print leotard, black tights, a headband with felt kitten ears attached, and a fabric tail attached to the part of her leotard covering her bum.

Narcissa strode excitedly into the party. However, when she arrived, she found that she was the only person in a costume. All the rest of the people at the party were in black robes. The party-goers turned and stared at her and one student even spit out his butterbeer.

Her ex-boyfriend was there too, chatting up a group girls. "And so then I said 'Wizengamot' is Old English for 'Assembly of Wizards' not 'Assembly of Dumb Bimbos." His joke was met with tittering giggles.

Lucius turned around and stared at Narcissa.

"Cissy, what are _you_ doing here?"

"I…um...I'm a student…" she said. "I'm going to be a lawyer…"

"Nice costume," he said dryly. "Are you supposed to be a skanky harpy or some kind of desperate kneazle?"

Narcissa tried to hide her tears as she turned and ran, staggering on her high heels.

A young man followed her out of the party. "Are you alright?" he asked.

Narcissa looked up through her tears at the tall, shapely young man with a gentle smile. The young man was another student who shared her classes. She thought she recognized him as Remus Lupin.

"Everyone is laughing at me," said Narcissa. "I know they all think that I'm ridiculous."

"I like ridiculous," said Remus, blushing.

"And I like your costume," he pointed to her kitten ears. "It's very cute"

"But I don't just want people thinking I'm cute. I want their respect," said Narcissa.

"Let them think what they want. I can tell that you're going to prove them all wrong for underestimating you when you win your first case," said Remus, offering her a tissue.

Narcissa cleaned up the mascara that had been running down her face. "You really believe I can win?"

"I thought how you answered Slughorn's question in class today was very creative. You're really not afraid of werewolves?"

"Um, no," said Narcissa. "I have to deal with my sorority sisters when they all have synchronized PMS. That's, like, what wolves would be scared of."

Remus laughed. "Well, don't let that professor get you down. Everyone knows he has a stick up his ass. Anyway, I'm still catching up in that class too. Maybe we could study together."

"And if that doesn't work," said Remus mischievously, "You could always hit Lucius with the old 'Bend and Snap'"

"The Bend and Snap?" Narcissa repeated inquisitively.

"It's an ancient wand-wielding technique that obliterates pretty much all defensive spells. I could teach it to you if you'd like"

From then on, Narcissa and Remus began studying together. He gave her advice on the aspects of the law that he had already studied extensively and she helped him come up with out-of-the-box ideas for some of their assignments. Although she was still determined to prove Lucius wrong about her capabilities, she found that her dreams were beginning to become filled with Remus Lupin instead of her ex-boyfriend.

* * *

At the end of the semester, Narcissa's grades were so high that she was placed among set of select students who would be working on their very first criminal trial. They were supposed to defend Sirius Black for the murder of Lily and James Potter.

Everyone on Sirius's legal team said that it was a hopeless case. There was too much evidence and too many eyewitness accounts placing Sirius at the scene of the crime. The best the legal team could hope to do was to reduce the length of the sentence Sirius would serve at Azkaban.

However, Narcissa refused to give in so easily. She was determined to win the case, not only because she wanted to prove she could, but also because Sirius Black was an alumni of the Beta Lambda Alpha Kappas, which was the brother frat to Beta Lambda Alpha Kais.

She spoke with Sirius one-on-one and Sirius confided privately that he had an alibi he would rather go to Azkaban than reveal. He was a dog Animagus and the night of the murder he had been helping his werewolf friend go through the monthly transformation.

"Sirius Black is innocent," said Narcissa to the rest of the legal team, "He has a super good alibi. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to reveal it to the court. Our client is an Animagus. He couldn't have been at the scene of the crime that night because he was transformed into dog. But at least we now know that it wasn't our client who did it."

"How does that prove anything?" said Lucius. "He could have still transformed back and committed the murders."

"Um, no, Lucius. That wouldn't make any sense. Sirius is a dog. Dogs are loyal. Loyal people don't kill their best friends."

* * *

Later, at the trial, the star witness, Tom Riddle, was undergoing examination.

"Where were you the night of October 31?" asked the prosecuting attorney.

Tom Riddle looked at the jury as he answered. "I was sleeping at home when I smelled smoke from the next house over. I woke up to find that James and Lily's house had been set on fire. Meanwhile, I saw Sirius Black casting a Fire-Making Spell!"

The jury stirred in their seats and whispered angrily. Sirius Black stared at the floor of the courtroom, saying nothing.

"I rest our examination," said the prosecutor.

Narcissa's heels clicked on the courtroom floor as she got up for the cross-examination. She had a series of carefully-written questions for the witness, but when she saw what Tom Riddle looked like she decided to improvise.

"Hm…Mr, Riddle, is it?" said Narcissa. "I recognize the shape of your nose. That's the exact unfortunate style of nose job that Healer Mungo Bonham gives to his clients, isn't it?"

"So?" said Tom Riddle.

"So, one of my sorority sisters also got a nose job from Mungo Bonham and she hasn't been able to smell anything ever since! Now, how could you have possibly smelled the smoke from the fire and woken up to see the murder...unless you didn't smell the smoke, because you were the killer!"

Gasps erupted from the jury. The judge hit his gavel to demand order in the Wizengamot.

Tom Riddle got up from his chair and attempted to apparate out of the courtroom, but Narcissa Black was too quick on the draw for him to get away.

With a swift 'Bend and Snap' maneuver of her wand, she shouted "Incarcerous!" and a set of thin cords shot from her wand, binding the murderer.

After a quick meeting, the jury declared Tom Riddle guilty and Sirius Black free of all charges. Sirius came by to shake Narcissa's hand.

"Thanks Cissy," he said.

"No problem, Sirius. I always help out a fellow Beta," said Narcissa.

"You were great!" said Remus, as he greeted her with a bouquet of flowers. "Congratulations on winning your first big case."

"Thanks for all your help, Remus. Riddle would have gotten away if you hadn't taught me that handy 'Bend and Snap' trick.'"

Remus Lupin kissed her passionately as he ran his fingers through her blonde hair. Her foot lifted off the ground as she kissed him back. Even her pygmy puff, Geminus, was so happy that it performed a little spinning dance in its basket.

So, in the end, not only did Narcissa Black prove to Lucius Malfoy that she was many times as crafty, cunning, and ambitious as he would ever be, but she also ended up marrying Remus Lupin and serving as the blondest member in the history of Wizengamot, fighting for rights of all magical creatures.


End file.
